Day One

2007-03-19T02:52:16+01:00

Today was meant to be the day i started fresh. Again.

I had a workout at the gym....(5 minute warmup on bike, 20 minutes on weights, 10 minutes of squats, and crunches, and finally 20 minutes on the treadmill)

As i always do, i came out of the gym feeling on top of the world. I can do this!!!! I can be in control of the way i look!!!!!!!

I am an obsessive calorie counter. I am obsessed with food in every way. There isnt a minute of the day in which i feel comfortable with myself, or my eating habits. If i am not counting the calories in what i have already eaten, im counting up what im allowed to have for the rest of the day.

Dont get me wrong. I dont think im obesely fat. Im 5 4" and on a bad day i weigh 9 stone 13, on a good day i weight 9 stone 7. But its not about how much i weigh. I look in the mirror and what i see disgusts me. I cry when i think about the way i look.

I hate the way i look with a passion that scares me sometimes.

If anyone i knew was to read this blog they would probably die of shock. Im blonde, i have a large chest, and i am not ugly. But you dont have to BE ugly to feel ugly.

I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. I crave all the things that are bad for me, and then beat myself into submission when i give in and eat them.

I am the worlds worst binge eater. Tonight so far i have eaten..(and im ashamed to even put this in writing)

1 x roast beef monster munch
1 x flaming hot monster munch
1 x cheese & onion squares
3 x 2 finger kit kat
2 x packet of maltesers
half tube of salt and vinger pringles & dip
1 large slice of chocolate cake.
2 x buttered toast

If i could i would go and make myself throw it all back up this instant. thats what i feel like doing. I want all this shit that i have just mindlessly consumed OUT OF MY BODY..

but i cant. i cant make myself be sick. in a way im glad. i know if i worked out how to do it its a downward spiral i would very very easily get caught up in.

So why do i do this? why do i eat this way. Secretive, alone, bingeing, gorging, not even tasting it sometimes. if only i knew the answer.

is it because im greedy? its certainly not due to hunger. its compulsive - the fact that i feel full never hinders me when im mid binge.

aarrrrrrrgh.

why cant i be normal? why cant i have a normal relationship with food.

my dream is to be able to eat a piece of a chocolate bar and be able to put it down and say, no thanks, one bit is enough.

So. Another day, another set back, another night of feeling like shit.

And so, tomorrow is another day...

Yet again, im going to start fresh.

Yeah right.

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Diary of a food addict

Day One